Waluigi and Gun G Gun Go to College: The Musical!
by WaluigiNumberOne
Summary: Waluigi and Gun G. Gun both attend the same college! Waluigi is an awkward young man, full of romantic teenage angst! Gun is a cool dude, with a super hot wife. Awwwww yeah. What will happen when these two worlds collide? Find out! READ AND REVIEW! :D
1. Chapter 1

Waluigi and Gun G. Gun Go to College-The Musical!

Scene 1-College

Midday, on an average college campus, there is a quad in the background with a few students lounging. Stumbling out with his arms laden with heavy boxes is WALUIGI, his face frantic and his walk erratic.

WALUIGI

(Walks up to several people, all of whom ignore him)

Can you help me find Toadsworth Hall? I'm looking because I'm moving in to my new dorm room with my new roommate. In college. Yes. I go to college you know!  
>(Feeling dejected and alone, Waluigi walks up to two students, their backs turned to him. They present an air of nonchalance, the cool that he is desperately seeking).<p>

Hello! My name is Waluigi! I'm a new student here. At the college. Which I go to.

MARIO

Where did you come from? Dragsville? (He smirks and high fives his companion).

LUIGI

Yeah, we don't talk to losers. Especially ones that come from Dragsville. It's a drag... (He shrugs his shoulders, looking for validation, but finds none).

MARIO

You know, your comments really don't add anything, Luigi.

LUIGI

But at least I'm a bro, unlike this loser! (MARIO and LUIGI smirk and high five. WALUIGI slumps, he clearly senses that there is something wrong with this situation but attempts to plough through).

WALUIGI

I was just wondering if you could help me find Toadsworth Hall...

MARIO

Nah, Brah. I'm gonna be too busy- (His expression changes, he clearly has a nasty idea)

Actually, why don't you come with me and Luigi here?

LUIGI

Mario, what are you talk-(MARIO elbows him in the ribs, LUIGI smirks). Yeah, why don't you come with me and Mario here? (He twiddles his mustache in a conniving manner).

(MARIO and LUIGI lead WALUIGI across campus and into a tour group of sexy young coeds. WALUIGI is then tripped by MARIO and LUIGI, and grabs a girl's breasts in order to balance himself. She squeals, and punches WALUIGI in the face. He bursts into tears as the whole campus begins to laugh at him. Running, Waluigi bursts into his dorm room, tears still running down his face from his humiliation).

WALUIGI

WA WA WA LUUUUUU-IGIIIIII. WA WA WA LUUUUUU-IGIIIIIIII.

WHY IS LIFE SO HARD FOR ME.

ALL WANT IS TO BE FREE.

I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH.

BUT HAPPINESS I CANNOT TOUCH.

HOW DID IT END UP LIKE THIS?

A LIFE OF PAIN, NEVER BLISS.

TO FALL SO FAR

TO FALL SO FAST

OH WOE IS ME, MY TROUBLED PAST

IT WAS TUESDAY AFTERNOON

I WAS SITTING IN MY ROOM

WATCHING MOVIES

OKAY PORN

RUING THE DAY I WAS BORN

(CHORUS)

SOON, MY MOTHER WADDLES IN.

I WATCH HER MUSTACHE GLISTEN.

WITH THE SWEAT, BLOOD AND TEARS

EPITOME OF ALL MY FEARS

I HAVE SOME NEWS, FOR YOU MY SON

I AM TIRED OF YOU, YA' BUM!

MY BOYFRIEND THINKS THAT YOU'RE A FAIL

AND HIS RULING SHALL PREVAIL

LEAVE THIS HOUSE. BECOME A MAN.

BUT DON'T WORRY, I HAVE A PLAN.

GO TO COLLEGE, GET A DEGREE.

AND YOU CAN COME HOME TO ME.

HURRY NOW AND HURRY FAST.

FORGET US HERE, WE'RE THE PAST.

GET OUT BEFORE THE DAY IS THROUGH

BUT REMEMBER, I SORTA TOLERATE YOU.

(CHORUS)

SO I LEFT, MY HOME, MY LIFE

CAME TO COLLEGE TO FIND A WIFE

I WON'T SEE MY MOTHER DEAR

OR HER HEMMOROID CREAM FOR HER-

(WALUGI shudders)

ANY WAY, I HAVE A GOAL,

TO MAKE MYSELF SOMEHOW WHOLE

I WILL BECOME A SEXY MAN

THIS IS PART OF MY PLAN

I'LL HAVE NICE HAIR

I'LL GET THE GIRLS

BUT IF I HAVE TO...

I'LL SETTLE FOR SQUI-

(Waluigi turns around to see a man of ambiguous race and obvious Jewish Heritage leaning against the doorframe. He is everything that Waluigi is not, tall, cool, collected, and ruggedly handsome)

GUN G. GUN

Man, what the HELL is wrong with you? You ain't no... music major are you? (WALUIGI shakes his head, his face beet red. GUN snorts, satisfied) Good. I hate those damn music-lovin honkeys.

WALUIGI

Well... what's your major? Because... I have one too...

GUN G. GUN

Philosophy... with a Latin minor. And I ain't gonna take no shit from you about it, you got that?

WALUIGI

No, I wouldn't dream of it! (WALUIGI drops his things, putting his arms in the air.) My name is Waluigi, I go to college.

GUN G. GUN

The name's Gun. Gun G. Gun.

WALUIGI

And the G? What does that stand for?

(GUN spins around in the swivel chair he's sitting in, and strikes a badass pose.)

GUN G. GUN

GUN!

(WALUIGI's heart skips a beat.)

WALUIGI (aside)

This Gun guy is so... cool... Maybe he can help me make something of myself! (WALUIGI snickers excitedly.) (To GUN) So, since you're here, I guess we must be roommates? You know, college roommates? Because, I'm in college, you know.

GUN G. GUN

Guess so... bitch. I'm unpacking, so you should do the same. (He pulls a large, ornate Menorah out of a bag and places it on his desk.)

(WALUIGI gathers his things and moves them to his side of the room. He looks disdainfully at his barren bed, it was stained and yellowed.)

WALUIGI

That's a nice poster. (He nods his head towards the giant star of David adorning Gun's wall above his shiny wooden desk. Waluigi's metal desk is lit by a single spotlight, looking rickety and forlorn) I guess...is that standard Jewish equipment?

GUN G. GUN

What? (He shakes his head rapidly). Bitch, you're being all sorts of honky. We gotta get you jive with Jewish culture.

WALUIGI

I know all about the Jews! You celebrate Ramadan, you love reincarnation, nirvana is desired, your major holidays involve roasted pig and luaus, and you follow the Prophet, Joseph Smith and you sacrifice your firstborn to Zoraster, prince of the sky. Nephew to the flying spaghetti monster.! (After his recital, Waluigi thrusts his chest out rather triumphantly).

GUN G. GUN

(Gun sits with his mouth agape, shaking his head back and forth slowly). You gotta be crack a lackin' wif my fro adorned Jew Ass! I don't do no fastin', 'cept on Yom Mutha Fuckin' Kippur!

WALUIGI

What's Yom Kippur? Is that like...where you eat the fish...and crochet? That's weird. Joseph Smith wouldn't like that...

GUN G. GUN

No you dumbass mutha fuckin' honky ass jive turkey! It's the day of atonement. You atone for your sins. Like if I was to bust a cap in yo' ass fo' being such a dumbass mutha fuckin' honkey ass jive turkey! You're such a mesuggah. If my bubbe was-. (He stops himself, taking deep steadying breaths). Anyway. Yom Kippur is a holy day of the Jewish religion. We fast. No fish. No knittin'. That's for honky ass old ladies. 'Cept for Bubbe. Anyway. (He sees Waluigi cowering in the corner, trembling. His voice softens) Accept yo' massive ignorance, but let's put it behind us. What is your major? We never got around to talking 'bout it.

WALUIGI

(Still trembling, his voice quivers as he says) I-I-I, I got a poetry scholarship. B-b-b-but, I'm kinda...undecided...Please don't hurt me.

GUN G. GUN

Look, Honky. I ain't gotta bust a cap in yo' ass. It ain't my scene, ya' dig? That's cool 'bout the poetry. I can dig it. Can you dig it?

WALUIGI

I was never good at digging, but I'll grab my shovel. (He stands up once more, chest puffing out) I've never had a real job before.

GUN

You neva had a real job, honky? What've you being doing?

WALUIGI

Foxy Vixens Part Dos: Mother Comes Home. (They both stare at one another in a decidedly awkward silence).

GUN

I ain't even gonna ask. And damn, Waluigi, you gotta know that when I say "can ya dig it?" I mean "Do you understand?"

WALUIGI

Oh! Right! Well now that I'm in college, which I totally am, I can learn all about this stuff. (WALUIGI strokes his mustache, thinking about his learning possibilities.) So, I would "dig it" to mean that you and I are going to be best friends?

GUN

(He cocks his head to the side, as if contemplating this partnership) Well, we're gonna be roommates. (He sees WALUIGI's crestfallen face) So we'll see. I don't like rushin' into stuff if it ain't gonna feel completely down, ya' know?

WALUIGI

Oh yeah, I mean, rushing into stuff would be bad. Yeah. And you just met me...

(aside) And you already hate me.

GUN

You say something, honky?

WALUIGI

No, no. I have go write some poetry now. Goodbye. (He walks out, his perpetual slump returning twofold)

GUN

That honky is sure gonna make things all sorts a crazy up in here.


	2. New Friends, New Parties, New Transexual

_SCENE 2: PHI BETA KOOPA Frat House. MARIO, LUIGI, and two sultry lasses are holding red cups, clearly becoming more and more inebriated as the scene progresses._

MARIO

So I says, you know what I says, Luigi?

LUIGI

Whaddya say, Mario?

MARIO

(While doing obscene gestures) I told him that I would goomba all over his shy guy if he didn't shut up-a his face!

(One girl, a buxom blonde, is red in the face and close to swooning. Whether this is due to the alcohol or MARIO'S story is unclear)

PEACH

(SHE'S FUCKING WASTED, GUYS. She clutches MARIO'S arm, struggling to stand.) Oh Mario, I want you to enter my Mushroom Kingdom!

MARIO

Heh, I'd 1-up that!

LUIGI

Indeed. It would be quite pleasurable if you two were to engage in carnal embrace.

(The second girl, a brunette with bad self-esteem, also slobbering drunk, falls into LUIGI. He catches her.)

DAISY

YOU... YOU KNOW SO MANY BIG... WHADDYA CALL 'EM? WORDS! YEAH! (She attempts to slap him playfully on the arm, but hits him in the face. She's also a very loud drunk.) YOU'RE LIKE... ONE OF THOSE POETS. SHEL SILVERSTEIN!

MARIO

Wait... isn't he Jewish?

LUIGI

What does that have to do with anything?

MARIO

Umm... well, girls... like Jewish guys. God, I dunno, I'm REALLY drunk!

DAISY

LUIGI, WANNA HEAR A LIMER... LIM... LIME? POEM? (Without waiting for an answer) THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL FROM NANTUCKET...

PEACH

SHUT UP DAISY! I HATE YOU, YOU... I LOVE YOU DAISY! You look, Kawaii, bitch!

LUIGI

What does that even mean?

PEACH

It's French... (gives LUIGI a 'herp-derp' look) it means she's a slut.

DAISY

PEACH, YOU BITCH! I AM NOT A SLUT!

MARIO

Ladies, ladies! There's no need to bic.. bick...bi... fight! Over me! We're at a frat party, enjoy yourselves!

(Waltz music plays, think St. Olaf fight song)

WE'RE... HERE AT THE FRAT HOUSE

WE LIKE TO GET REAL SMASHED

JUST LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS, THEY'RE DRUNK OFF THEIR ASS

LET'S DO A FEW BODY SHOTS AND THEN TAKE OFF OUR TOPS

TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS OR GTFO!

THE ROOM KEEPS ON SPINNING

DON'T WORRY, I'M WINNING

I'LL TAKE THE GIRL UPSTAIRS

AND FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!

(Awkward Silence, until group joins)

WE ALL CAME TO COLLEGE

BUT WHO CARES ABOUT KNOWLEDGE

WE WANT TO GET WASTED

SO RAISE YOUR GLASS HIGH!

THE BARLY TASTES KNARLY

THE LIQUOR IS QUICKER

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG (LUIGI is unable to finish) PUSSY!

YOU WILL NOT REMEMBER

THE REST OF THIS TUESDAY

SO DO SOMETHING STUPID OR POSSIBLY GAY!

(RANDOM FRAT BOY SOLO)

OH GOD, IT'S A BLACKOUT

THERE'S THINGS CRAWLING ON ME

I CAN'T FEEL MY PENIS

I'LL LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS NOW!

(They drag him off. Fade to black.)

_Scene 3: The dorm room. GUN sits alone, gazing pensively at his menorah. He holds a feathered quill, and is writing by candlelight on a piece of parchment. As he writes, he sings in a deep chocolate baritone._

DEAR BRIAN,

MY DARLING, ASIAN, DOCTOR, SCIENTIST WIFE

HERE I BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE!

COLLEGE IS GREAT, WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR,

I ARRIVED AT MY DORM, MY ROOMMATE IS WEIRD.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I WRITE,

AS THE DAY FADES INTO NIGHT!

I WANTED TO TELL YOU OF MY PLANS

SO I SEND THIS LETTER TO YOUR LOVING HANDS (CRESCENDO)

DO YOU REMEMBER THE TALK WE HAD?

NO, NOT THE BONDAGE ONE, THAT WAS BAD.

BUT WHY I HAD TO LEAVE YOU,

WHY I HAD TO GO

WHY I HAVE TO MISS OUT

ON WATCHING OUR SON GROW.

A MAN NEEDS TO SUPPORT HIS BROOD

OTHERWISE, HE AIN'T NO DUDE.

SO I WENT TO COLLEGE

TO GET A DEGREE

BRIAN, WHILE I'M GONE, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME.

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU

I'M DOING THIS FOR US

BUT TO BE HONEST,

I MISS YOUR AMPLE BUST

TELL OUR SON I LOVE HIM

TELL TORTILLA TO KEEP WARM

AND DEAR GOD, DON'T LET THE T-REX VISIT ME AT MY DORM!

I LOVE YOU DARLING, WITH ALL MY HEART

I KNOW IT'S HARD THAT WE'RE APART

BUT HERE I AM, DOIN' MY BEST

TO GET MY DEGREE, PASS EVERY TEST

WRITE ME SOON

WRITE ME LOTS

WITHOUT YOU, MY HEART'S IN KNOTS

YOU'LL GET THIS SOON

BUT WHAT DAY I DON'T KNOW WHICH

I REALLY LOVE YOU, (knocks over ink well) BITCH!

(GUN cleans up the spill and seals his letter. He leaves to put it in the mail.)

_WALUIGI enters after GUN leaves. He is holding a small, leather-bound book._

WALUIGI

The twilight meanders of my memory...

So cold, so distant.

Dappled in gray.

Like a soul torn from its body,

Raindrops of my tears baptize the earth

Crucified, looking for redemption

Sadness offers the only absolution. (He reads it over, and his mustache droops.)

Why do I make-a da suck? All I want is one poem! One shining line or two! It's all I ask, all I crave! A beautiful line upon my living grave. (He slouches over on his desk. Sighing, he puts the book off to the side, feeling extremely inadequate.) But here I am, and here I remain, nothing to say, my soul is maimed. I am so lonely, and out of luck, I really need a girl to-

(He is cut off as a man wearing a dress walks into the room)

WARIO

Hello, big sexy dormmate! I am Wario.

WALUIGI

Oh, well, uh, it is nice to know that we both go to the same college. Because we do. I am Waluigi. Uh...uh...

(WARIO follows WALUIGI's glance down, noticing that he feels incredibly awkward about his rather short dress).

WARIO

I see that you've noticed. Please, try not to judge. It's a very sensitive issue, and it stems from my rather... TROUBLED PAST... (WARIO looks off into the distance)(Cue piano music) You see, my sister was always the pretty one.

WALUIGI

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear- (WARIO does an elaborate gesture as the lights fade. Single spotlight on him, piano music still plays)

WARIO

As a child, I didn't ask for much. I just wanted to be loved. My father was always gone, off at the racetrack. My mother...she was an actress, and everyone loved her! Whenever I was sad or lonely, I had no one to turn to, except for my mother's vinyl records.

WALUIGI

What did you listen to? (WARIO does another elaborate gesture, smacking WALUIGI in the face as he strikes an uncomfortably provocative pose).

WARIO

I'll make sure to tell you all about it, Mr. Stud.

(Throughout the song, he is moving closer and closer to WALUIGI, clearly coming on to him...sadly, WALUIGI is either unaware of this or unable to reject his advances)

WHEN I WAS A BOY

A YOUNG YOUNG BOY

I'D LOVE TO HEAR SOME SONGS

I'D SING MY TUNES

OH HOW I'D CROON

THEN THE NIGHTS, THEY WEREN'T SO LONG

I'D GET INTO CHARACTER

PUT ON COSTUMES AND SUCH

I'D EARN MY SISTER'S SCORN

OH, THEY WOULD MOCK ME

IT DIDN'T MATTER

THIS WAS WHY I WAS BORN...

(CHORUS)

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE SHOWTUNES

BIG DRAMATIC SHOWTUNES

SHOWSTOPPERS, CHART TOPPERS

I'LL LOVE 'EM ALL

WHY TALK ABOUT FEELINGS

WHEN YOU CAN SING THEM?

LET THE BEAT GUIDE YOUR HEART

THEN THE SONG WILL START

THOSE NIGHTS I WAS ALONE

PRETENDING TO BE PATTI LUPONE

OR ETHEL MURMEN

WALUIGI (says)

Who are they?

WARIO (says)

MY MUSES!

(sings)

HIDING IN MY ROOM

SINGING WEST SIDE STORY

MARIA, MARIA, MARIA!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE GLORY

THAT IS LEONARD BERNSTEIN?

I'D SING ABOUT WHEN LIFE WAS KIND

(says) Les Mis got me through the seventh grade!

OH MY BEST FRIENDS WERE ALL FICTIONAL

THEIR LIVES WERE WRITTEN IN LIBRETTOS

OH, I'D NEVER MIND

(CHORUS)

OH WHY BE SAD, WHY BE GLUM

WHEN YOU CAN DEFY GRAVITY

AND HAVE THE VON TRAPPS AS YOUR CHUMS?

SING IT OUT, SING IT PROUD

METER OUT YOUR FEELINGS

AS YOU SING THEM OUT LOUD

SING WITH ME

LOVE THE SHOWTUNES

LIVE THE SHOWS

THEY'LL MAKE YOU FEEL PRETTY

THEY'LL GET RID OF YOUR WOES

THEY'LL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE ONE BECAUSE...

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE SHOWTUNES

BIG CHART TOPPING, SHOW STOPPING SHOWTUNES

THAT END LIKE THIS!

(WALUIGI applauds wildly as WARIO takes several elaborate curtsies and bows to the audience)

So you see, thank you are too kind, life wasn't easy for me. My father always favored my mother and my sister. So I knew, to win his love, I had to be just like them.

WALUIGI

Pretty?

WARIO

Pretty. (A beat, he bats his long eyelashes) Do you think I'm pretty, Waluigi? (He sits down on WALUIGI's bed and crosses his legs. WALUIGI notices the long prickly hair adorning WARIO's beefy legs).

WALUIGI

Erm...I think...I think...It's hot in here. (Rising quickly, he goes to the window, opens it and stares pensively into the distance)

WARIO

(In a very grating falsetto) What are you looking for mister studlycakes?

WALUIGI

Purpose. Wario. Porpoise.

WARIO

Whale, I can help you...if you're looking for something to do for now.

WALUIGI

How can you do that?

WARIO

Come to a party with me. We'll get drunk and maybe hook up? (He winks elaborately, grabbing WALUIGI's hand and pulling him out of the room)

WALUIGI

Okay, I didn't know you could fish on campus! (They leave the room. BLACKOUT)


	3. Unsnark My Heart

_Scene 4: a forest on campus. It is nighttime. There is a circle of people gathered center stage, wearing hoods and cloaks. Think of the center stage as being lit. Chilly colors._

NERD 1

(Grating, high pitched voice) Hello, compatriots! I trust you all made it here without attack from Marlon the Malignant? (There is murmuring of "yes" heard around the circle.") Good. The reason I called all of you brave warriors and wizards out here into this chilly weather is because we have someone who is interested in joining us!

NERD 2

But what if he's a spy from Marlon? (Worried titterings from the rest of the group)

NERD 1

Calm yourself, Blarfnar Basementdweller! I have questioned this person extensively, and I assure you, we are safe. (He motions, and a figure steps out from the shadows inside the circle. The figure wears a hood, obscuring his/her face.)

(HOODED FIGURE pulls her hood back to reveal that she is a female, she has dark glasses and a sardonic smirk upon her face)

ALL NERDS

Boobies!

HOODED FIGURE

I'm done.

NERD 1

No, come back! We need you!

HOODED FIGURE

(Sighs) Look, if I'm going to do this, we have to lay out a few ground rules.

NERD 2

Tits or GTFO? (His face blanches as the HOODED FIGURE puts him into a headlock) OH GOD, IT'S LIKE NINTH GRADE ALL OVER AGAIN! ONLY YOU'RE NOT THE ENTIRE GIRL'S SOCCER TEAM...THIS IS HOT!

HOODED FIGURE

(She releases him with a shudder) You repulse and intrigue me, you know why?

NERD 2

Why's that, baby?

HOODED FIGURE

Because I didn't know you could get horny without your balls having dropped first.

(NERD 2 slouches down, a defeated man) Look, I know that none of you have ever seen a girl who isn't virtual, related to you, or selling you Mountain Dew. I gather that you see this as an almost social gathering. But let's make some things clear. I will never love you. I will only tolerate you. Don't dream of me while you play WOW thinking that I'm some Orc that's going to save you from the dungeons of your despair. Don't think that I'll one day get really sad and vulnerable, thus enabling you to "comfort" me. I am not a damsel in distress. I am not the Mary Jane to your Peter Parker. I am snark. I am eternal. I am off limits.

NERD 3

GROUP MEETING! (The nerds all gather slightly away from HOODED FIGURE. She can clearly hear everything that they're saying, and occasionally rolls her eyes)

Brethren, I feel as though we may be in over our helms here. This lady clearly has powers which are beyond our comprehension. Although we may or may not desire a summoner, is this the path that we should take? Shall we give our hearts and our minds to one such as this, to be intoxicated and consumed by her bewitchingly good looks?

NERD 2

She has boobs...

NERD 1

She's unavailable as an object of a romantic conquest.

NERD 4

She's perfect! (all stare at him, as he shrugs) Well, we do need to dramatically increase our charisma stats in order to woo her...but I say, a day without fighting a dragon isn't a day worth living! (All stare again, then take out their dice and begin a frenzied rolling for stats)

NERD 3

Well, it is decided then. We shall allow you to join our brotherhood.

HOODED FIGURE

I was so worried... I mean, you're all so cool...

NERD 4

I feel as though there is a hint of venom to this remark.

HOODED FIGURE

Congratulations, you're able to read basic social cues. Next, we'll teach you about the ancient ritual of bathing more than once a month...If there's time, we'll teach you about finding a date that you don't need to inflate first! Now, if you'll begin, master druid? (She gestures to NERD 1 who begins to intone dramatically)

NERD 1

Oh, Balathazar, lord of darkness. Hear our pleas, hear our pleas. As we... (He continues with a horribly inappropriate wishlist that involves maiming and finding true love... Meanwhile GUN stumbles in, his afro shaking in agitation and regret)

GUN

Damn, them honkeys sho' ain't got no ideas on how to mail a letter.(He sees the gathering) What the hell's this? My momma didn't raise no... well... my momma didn't raise no one! I'm an orphan! And worse, I ain't got no parents! (He begins to sob dramatically. Noticing his cries, the NERDS turn to him.)

NERD 2

WHAT HO? ADVENTURE AFOOT! A beast approaches!

GUN

The hell? Damn boy, ain't nobody ever told you what Clearasil is? Yo' face got mo' pock marks than a Nazi has Swastikas! (HOODED FIGURE quickly puts her hood back on, and turns to face GUN)

NERD 1

So... I see you are no foul beast, but a man! A big, strong, muscly man... (He shakes his head and wipes his mouth, noticing a bit of saliva.) What brings you to our humble gathering of like-minded souls questing for knowledge?

GUN

Dayum. Bitches be trippin'. I ain't lookin' to get in on this cult shit, that's fo' sho'. I got some bad directions from some honky ass honky. Shit, told me to get all up in this forest an' shit.

HOODED FIGURE

You're very articulate.

GUN

Hey, I don't take no shit from no one, 'specially not from some nerd. (At this remark, the NERDS draw very real looking medieval weapons and begin to scream "MAGIC MISSILE" and "LIGHTNING BOLT") Dammit, why I always gotta be chased around by a bunch of honkeys that ain't got nothing better to do? (He exits, chased by the NERDS. NERD 1 and HOODED FIGURE remain).

NERD 1

Well, summoner, how did that feel to you?

HOODED FIGURE

I feel like my heart is full of rainbows and butterflies.

NERD 1

(Visibley moved) That's beautiful.

HOODED FIGURE

You know what else is beautiful?

NERD 1

What is that?

HOODED FIGURE

Finding someone who has a chance of being laid without laying their money down first.

NERD 1

Why must you be so cruel? (HOODED FIGURE gets up to leave, she gives him one last glance as she says).

HOODED FIGURE

Think of it this way...If I were nice to you, wouldn't that just end up giving you hope for future happiness that you'll never attain?

NERD 1

That's so bitchy!

HOODED FIGURE

It would be, if I didn't Believe it about everything.

_Scene 5: Phi Betta Koopa Frat House. WARIO and WALUIGI just walked in, and despite it being late on a Tuesday, there is a rockin' party going on. MARIO and LUIGI are drinking heavily while PEACH and DAISY are making sluts of themselves. _

WARIO

Oh! (He gives off a little squeal) Peachie Poo! Daisy Darling! It's a me, Wariooooooo. Peachie! I love your hair! How do you keep it so...feminine?

PEACH

(so fucking drunk) I like...let it grow, but then sometimes, I cut it. Or comb it. Sometimes though, I put it in a ponytail (Turns to Mario) HEY MARIO! I COMB MY HAIR!

MARIO

Well baby, you're a definite straightening iron, if you know what I mean!

LUIGI

What does that mean.

MARIO

Hey baby! You're giving me an erection! (The entire party goes quiet again, MARIO notices WALUIGI standing off near the entrance)

WALUIGI

(Visibly uncomfortable, and fidgeting with his mustache.) Erm... Wario, I thought we were gonna hook up? I don't see any ponds around here! (The whole party turns their attention to WALUIGI, but he does not know why. MARIO takes this opportunity to slink into the background. PEACH and DAISY move away)

WARIO

Waluigi, babe. You need to just be cool, you know? Show off them big strong man arms. (WALUIGI looks down at his limp/flabby body) That's it. Okay, now, see that brunette in the corner? (He gestures to DAISY who is stuffing an entire Twinkie into her mouth suggestively). That is DAISY. She is a slut. Go stick your tongue in her mouth.

WALUIGI

Why would I do that?

WARIO

It's like this. You pursue the girl of your dreams. You strive and strive for her. But one day, when you've finally won her, you'll realize that what you were really looking for all along was your best friend who has always been there, but only now do you realize that he's your true love!

WALUIGI

Uh...I'll go stick my tongue in her mouth then?

WARIO

Tell me about it, stud. (WALUGI puffs out his chest, licks his lips, and twiddles his moustache. He's obviously trying very hard to look attractive. Taking a deep breath, he walks over to DAISY)

DAISY

And then I said, if you're looking at me, you should look at my titties too! (She tries to flash the party, but she's wearing a dress, and thus fails) It's not like I'm trying to hide them! But they're just shy...

WALUIGI

Hello, Daisy.

DAISY

Why are you talking to me? Am I in trouble? Do I have lobsters?

WALUIGI

Whaaaaaa-?

DAISY

I mean crabs! Lobsters are just classier, you know? It's like my mom used to say 'If they don't buy you seafood, only go to third. Unless he's a major fucking hottie like Gerard Way! He defines my soul.

WALUIGI

I-would-like-to-stick-your-tongue-in-my-mouth-and-swivel-it-erotically!

DAISY

Do you have any lobster?

WALUIGI

No...But I have poetry. (DAISY is clearly unimpressed) Like this! Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, You're really cute, death is inevitable. (WALUIGI is clearly very satisfied with his efforts, DAISY remains unimpressed). Okay... Daisy, oh Daisy, you make my life crazy. Maybe we could go upstairs and we could get...naked? (DAISY remains unimpressed, WALUIGI takes a deep breath). This is my last poem. Okay. Shall I compare thee to a Tuesday? Surely, because it is a Tuesday. You exist. Yea verily, so do I. As the temperate day fades into night, as existences within this mortal realm, let us engage in carnal embrace. Our souls shall entwine, and I will thrust my words into your feminine mystique.

DAISY

I don't wanna fuck! Maybe screw. NO FUCKING. NONE. I AM WOMAN! (She grabs a frying pan, seemingly out of nowhere, and hits him in the face). Go away! I'm busy! (WALUIGI walks off, a broken man, a broken nose and a broken heart. WARIO is barely concealing his smirk as he begins to sing)

WARIO

OH IT'S FRAT PARTY REJECTION

YOU TRIED TO GET WITH HER

BUT THOUGH SHE'S A SLUT

YOUR ADVANCES WERE SCORNED

MARIO

DUDE, YOU JUST GOTTA FACE IT

YOU ARE UNATTRACTIVE

NO GIRL WOULD GET WITH YOU

UNLESS SHE WERE DEAD!

LUIGI

IT'S FUNNY TO WATCH

YOU'RE LEAD BY YOUR CROTCH

NOW GO BACK TO YOUR DORM

AND CRY LIKE A BITCH

PARTY

YOU ARE SO PATHETIC

SO PLEASE LEAVE THE FRAT HOUSE

YOU ARE USING UP

ALL OF OUR PRECIOUS AIR!

YOU PASTY FACED LOSER

GO OUT TO THE FOREST

AND HANG WITH THE LARPERS

THEY'RE REALLY YOUR TYPE

SHAPELESS AND SAGGY

AND POSSIBLY EUNUCHS

YOU'LL FIT IN GREAT WITH THEM

AND NEVER GET LAID

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA

TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE

HO HO HO HO HO HO

HO, GO FUCK YOURSELF!

(WALUIGI leaves, accompanied by WARIO who puts a meaty hand on his shoulder)

WARIO

Don't worry about them Waluigi, we can still spend time together! Do you still want to hook up?

WALUIGI

No, Wario. I think it's time for me to go to bed. (WARIO pecks him on the cheek, holds him in an embrace until it is slightly awkward, and they go to bed).

END OF ACT ONE-BITCHES BE TRIPPIN'


	4. Brian, Football, and Bedazzled Boots

ACT TWO- A MONTH LATER

(GUN is in the dorm room, talking on the phone. Split Stage, other side is a very attractive Asian woman in a very sciency outfit.)

GUN

Well Brian, mah midterms are comin' up. Ain't no thang, but they sho ain't jive. Dayum gurl I miss you.

BRIAN

When are you coming home, Gun? I miss you. (She rubs her very prominent, very pregnant stomach) Gun?

GUN

Yeah baby?

BRIAN

Did you leave because you find me less than attractive sexually?

GUN

That's crazy.

BRIAN

Oh, so now I'm crazy and unattractive?

GUN

I neva said that. You ain't being logical.

BRIAN

You're right, I'm sorry...Did you meet any friends on campus?

GUN

Well, yesterday, I hung out with my friends La Rae and Laquisha

BRIAN

Are they prettier than me too?

GUN

No baby. You know you're the only one for me.

BRIAN

Gun, I'm just so lonely and pregnant and tired and pregnant.

GUN

And beautiful.

BRIAN

I love you.

GUN

I love you too.

BRIAN

Why do I always have to say 'I love you' first?

GUN

What are you talking about?

BRIAN

Do you love me?

GUN

I ain't playing those love games wit' you.

BRIAN

I need you to tell me what to do because I need your love a lot.

GUN

I love you Brian. What's going on wit' you? Is it all them hormones jivin' wit your normally cool cool self?

BRIAN

So now your pregnant wife isn't jive enough for you?

GUN

Honey, you are all the jive that I need.

BRIAN

I BET YOU SAID THAT TO ALL THE GIRLS BEFORE ME!

GUN

Brian, ya' know I met you like... a day after I was born.

BRIAN

Oh, so now I'm stupid too? Gun, this conversation is over. Goodbye! (BRIAN hangs up the phone loudly and begins crying. Gun puts his phone down and kneads his brow.)

GUN

(He sighs loudly) Damn. Gurl ain't got her head on straight. Must be from all that baby-carryin' she's got goin' on.

(WALUIGI walks into the dorm room. He notices GUN's obvious distress.)

WALUIGI

(Sidles awkwardly next to GUN.) Erm... Gun, you ok? I'm taking a child psychology course, in college. The college that I go to. With other students. Maybe I can help? (He awkwardly puts his gloved hand on GUN's hunched shoulder.)

GUN

No, Waluigi, I don't think you can. Unless you can understand women.

WALUIGI

Well... from what I've seen, women like it when they stick things up their... Oh, right, I'm not supposed to talk about those things. Well, I may not be good at much, but I am a good listener! Maybe this can be good roommate bonding time? I mean, it's been a month, and we've hardly said a word to each other! The only friend I really have is Wario, and, between you and me, is a little bit weird, don't you think? Maybe it's his hair. Yeah, that MUST be it.

GUN

(He sighs, and looks into WALUIGI's face. He notices that WALUIGI looks very desperate for companionship.) Fine. Sit down, lemme' tell ya' somethin'.

WALUIGI

(Sits down on his bed, looking excited.) Ok! I'm listening!

GUN

Alright. So, I got this wife right? Smokin' hot, brilliant and classy lady with a PHD in Sexy Science. Dayum she fine. Anyway, we gon' have a kid. So I come to college to get me an education, get some learnin' into me, know what I mean? So I can be the provider an' shit. Things started off fine, but recently, she's been gettin' all angry about nothin'! I try not to let none of it bother me, but shit, it's tough.

WALUIGI

(Strokes his mustache, looking contemplative.) I know! Write angsty poetry about it! That's what got me through my grade school years! Oh the agony, the pain, the homoerotic frat-paddles... (He shudders) Anyway, the point is, you have to find an outlet for this pain. Because, if you let it be, it will CONSUME YOU! (He raises his arms and flails them dramatically).

GUN

Hmm... Maybe you got a point, honkey.

WALUIGI

Okay, Are you implying that I'm conical?

GUN

You are all sorts of jive ass turkey mutha fuccking jive ass honkey ass bitch ass bitch ass ho.

WALUIGI

Oh. I see. I shall go. (He rises to leave and quickly exits, his shoulders slumped in defeat)

GUN

No, wait honkey! (But it's too late, WALUIGI has left).

Dammit, why I gotta run my mouth like some sorta schmuk? Oy Vey! (He notices a booklet laying on the floor) Hey, what's that? Maybe Waluigi dropped it. (He picks it up.) Activities manual, huh? (He pages through it.) Oh! Dayum this looks good as hell! I could get some sportin' into me with some football. Ain't no honkey gonna beat me in tryouts!(He jumps out and runs out the door. WALUIGI enters again, his cheeks stained with tears.)

WALUIGI

I wish there was a simple way.

To make my pain go away.

Each day I breathe, my pain just grows

Limpid tears, drip down my nose.

I need some love, that would be best.

Or if I could just fondle some large- (He sees the catalog)

Alas, what is this? Get Girls? Get Buff? Get self worth? Play football? I can see that. As in me, I could see myself playing football. For a college team. Because I'm in college. Okay, I shall go to tryouts. I will try this football team out. Ooooooooh, I am making the clevers! (He begins to run out the door, but is stopped by WARIO and another girl. WARIO is dressed in trucker gear complete with a plaid flannel shirt and denim jeans. His hiking boots are bedazzled).

WARIO

'Sup. Big sexy dormmate. (He punches WALUIGI in the shoulder, and WALUIGI falls over.) Me an' Toadette here we're gonna go do a kegger. You want in?

WALUIGI

I dunno...I have trouble at most parties. I am a bit awkward.

WARIO

Oh Waluigi, you're gonna be fine. You got two of the coolest people on campus with you. (He strokes his spiky mustache) We can be your wingmen!

WALUIGI

Wingmen?

WARIO

You know, we'll help you spread your wings and fuck.

Toadette

Yeah. Find some chicks with tits.

WARIO

Oh damn, tits are great.

TOADETTE

Big jiggly tits.

WALUIGI

Are those types of birds?

TOADETTE

Fuck no! Get your ass out to a party and I'll show you tits.

WARIO

Yeah. Tits.

WALUIGI

Alright, I'll go see these birds of yours. (He gets up and WARIO claps him on the shoulder, almost causing him to fall down again.) You know, it's funny, but Wario, I didn't know that you loved activities this much. Every day, you say 'We should hook up' or 'I want to make out with you.' I mean, I don't know what 'out' is, but I do like crafts! (Blackout)

_Scene 2: The Next Day. The stage is set up to resemble a football stadium. A large bird in a red coat is waving an inflatable mallet and barking useless commands. Gun is leaning against a goalpost, stroking his gun._

KING DEDEDE (KING)

You there! Ra ra ra ra ra! You're all here for football tryouts? Let me tell you something. RA ra ra ra ra! (He puts his hand on his ample belly and hoists a hand to his shoulder) Football is about more than tackling sweaty men! It's about tackling sweaty men who wear helmets! (He waves his mallet back and forth). I will make you into something great. I will make you into the epitome of men! You'll be every high school girls' dream! The boy who peaks in college and doesn't make anything of his life! But that doesn't matter! Because you play football! I will make you (He is suddenly knocked over by WALUIGI running in late) ra ra ra ra ra! (He flops uselessly on the ground. He gets up with much panting and groaning and he gestures with his inflatable mallet at WALUIGI)

WALUIGI

Can you please stop doing that?

KING

WHY?

WALUIGI

It's uncomfortably Freudian! (They look at each other and gasp in realization!)  
>You! You are my mother's boyfriend!<p>

KING

And she's damn good in the sack! (He pats his belly again).

WALUIGI

That is horribly inappropriate and makes my Oedipal glands flare up!

KING

You know what's really inappropriate? Your life's lack of value!

WALUIGI

I have value!

KING

You want to show me your values? THEN GO PLAY FOOTBALL!

(Sings)

YOU SHOULD ALL PLAY FOOTBALL

SO YOU CAN GAIN SELF WORTH

PROVE YOU'RE NOT A HOMO

TACKLE GUYS WITH GIRTH!

YOU'RE A WORTHLESS BUNCH OF PATHETIC SLOBS

AND YOUR LIVES MUST DEPRESS YOU

DON'T FRET BOYS

FOOTBALL GIVES YOU VALUE!

LISTEN TO THE TACTICS

AND KEEP THE BALL IN!

ALWAYS GUARD THE CENTER

AND YOU'RE SURE, TO WIN!

YOU'RE A BUNCH OF SAD

PATHETIC GIRLS

SPEND YOUR TIME DOWNLOADING PRON

BUT FOOTBALL DOES

REALLY TURN THE CHICKS ON!

(Players sing as they start doing various exercises)

WE'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE THE TEAM

NOT UNLESS WE DO WHAT HE SAYS!

WHY THE HELL IS A PENGUIN OUR HEAD COACH?

(One student) THIS GUY'S A REAL QUACK

PENGUINS DON'T DO THAT, ASSHOLE!

NOW I REALLY WISH THAT I TOOK ART INSTEAD!

KING

PLAY FOOTBALL!

(Students: We must be able to score a touchdown!)

PLAY FOOTBALL!

(And also we need to not get owned!)

PLAY FOOTBALL!

(Maybe we can get laid by playing?)

WITH MY HELP, YOU'LL ALL GET REALLY GOOD!

KING

Ra ra ra ra! Ok, maggots, I'll post tryout results in the gym in a few days! (He pats his ample belly yet again.) Okay, get out of my sight. Except for you Waluigi and random person with the firearm! (WALUIGI and GUN go over, both very unsure of KING'S purpose in asking them to stay). First of all, Sir with the firearm.

GUN

The name's Gun. Gun G. Gun.

KING

And the G? What's that stand for?

GUN

GUN!

KING

You were truly beautiful out there. It makes a penguin cry... Watching you was like watching the sex tapes I made with Waluigi's mother. Beautiful. Fluid. Jiggly. And above all, mildly erotic. You would honor me to be on my team!

GUN

Why, thank you, avian honky. (He leaves).

KING

Waluigi. (WALUIGI grimaces as he shuffles closer). My boy, do you know how I got this job?

WALUIGI

Years of dedication and an above average knowledge of football skills and other criteria?

KING

The headmaster is my brother in law. That being said, you are practically family to me. considering that I bone your mother at least three times a day.

WALUIGI

Ah, the mental images are scarring to my psyche and libidinous tendencies!

KING

But, there are always conditions...

WALUIGI

What? I will do anything to stay on the football team!

KING

Anything? (he scratches his imaginary beard) Hmm, well maybe if you can... get a girlfriend.

WALUIGI

Waaaaaaaaaaaa?

KING

Yes. Get a girlfriend. Film a porno. Space themed. But you wear a cowboy hat. Backwards. Send it to me. Preferably in DVD format. Then buy me a DVD player.

WALUIGI

Okay! I shall do these things for you, though they may be possibly illegal and or not appropriate for a potential step-father. I care not for the societal norms of sexual conduct! I care about... FOOTBALL!

KING

Tits or GTFO?

WALUIGI

Tits or GTFO. (He nods his head in agreement and walks off, shoulders held high).

KING

That was unexpected. And mildly erotic. (He rubs his belly) I wonder if I'll ever receive my poetic comeuppance? Nah, couldn't be!

_He exits._


	5. The UFO and The Headmaster

_Scene 3, WALUIGI and SNARKSTER are in the headmaster's office, preparing to film their porno. WALUIGI is wearing a space suit clearly made out of cardboard and tin foil. Atop his head is a tiny cowboy hat, worn backwards. WARIO is wearing the same, but his outfit has several "feminine" embellishments, such as rhinestone buttons and studded space boots. SNARKSTER is surveying the entire scene, which is covered with glowing plastic stars. She is wearing a simple black beret with a black turtleneck-the picture of an anguished artistic type)_

SNARKSTER

You, shemale?

WARIO

(His voice still a grating falsetto) Yes?

SNARKSTER

Say that last line again, but don't oversell it. (She rubs her temples) Feel what you have to say, but don't sound too convincing. You want to seduce him, not love him. Get that through your tiny mind?

WARIO

Okay...Hello Mr. Big Sexy Spaceman.

WALUIGI

Hello my alien lotus gumdrop!

WARIO

Your spacesuit looks nice.

SNARKSTER

No! (She slams down her clipboard in frustration) This is supposed to be against consumerism! Say it ironically!

WALUIGI

That is not the proper use of ironic my sweet blossom.

SNARKSTER

Do. It. Again. You both have the sexual appeal of two female gorillas in heat, but could you both at least show their restraint and poise?

WARIO

(Loudly, gesturing with his hips) Your spacesuit looks nice.

WALUIGI

Well, I need it for my rocket ship.

WARIO

Why is that, studly one?

WALUIGI

Because, you make my penis go into orbit baby! (He grabs WARIO and they both obviously pretend to begin kissing. Both moan at random points. WARIO clearly enjoys this more thant WALUIGI who seems a bit uncomfortable.)

WARIO

Huston, we have a problem!

WALUIGI

And the problem is lack of sex!

WARIO

I'll be your spaceport... ooooh

WALUIGI

We have a U.F.O. approaching!

WARIO

What's that baby?

WALUIGI

An unidentified flying orgasm! (Both heighten their moans until they squeak. Expectantly, they stare at SNARKSTER, seeking a reaction)

SNARKSTER

...I should be more surprised that you two have never so much as held hands or kissed-(WALUIGI lets out a squeak but immediately grows silent) someone who actually finds themselves attracted to you. That being said, I'll maybe edit this into a passable garage grade porno.

WARIO

Awesome! I'll be off to curl my hair now! (He leaves, humming I WILL ALWAYS LOVE SHOWTUNES)

WALUIGI

Thanks baby.

SNARKSTER

You make me sick.

WALUIGI

Whaaaaaaa? What did I do?

SNARKSTER

Don't play innocent with me. You guys are all the same!

WALUIGI

I can assure you that I'm not like the other guys.

SNARKSTER

Oh, I see. So what makes you a unique little snowflake ?

WALUIGI

Well, technically, all snowflakes are unique...but I'm just me, Waluigi!

SNARKSTER

Am I supposed to be impressed?

WALUIGI

Well, no. Because I am just trying my best to be me, Waluigi! In college and in life.

SNARKSTER

That's beautiful.

WALUIGI

Well, you're not so bad yourself. (He does "wink-fingerguns" at her)

SNARKSTER

Look, I don't need you to try and validate this relationship through lies and pointless flattery.

WALUIGI

Darling

SNARKSTER

Shut up! I'm sick of all this sad pandering. I am not looking for someone to be vulnerable around, okay? Drop it!

WALUIGI

But L...

SNARKSTER

Oh, but what?

WALUIGI

I simply want to be sweet to you, like the sugar you get out of a pixie stick on Halloween and all the other kids make fun of you for dressing up as a Power Ranger but you don't care because you think the Pink Ranger is the strongest character damn it!

SNARKSTER

Well, that certainly displays some latent homosexual tendencies.

WALUIGI

Why do you do that?

SNARKSTER

Why do I do what? Snark?

WALUIGI

You tear down everything I say in order to serve your own purposes. You're like... have you ever seen Oprah?

SNARKSTER

Of course, I like my opiate of the masses with a side of talk show drivel. Who doesn't love Oprah Winfrey?

WALUIGI

I am feeling the same way. But you see, sometimes she gets angry, Oprah does. Like when there was the book "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. It was a lie, that memoir. And Oprah denounced the author and apologized to her book club with these tears in her gorgeous eyes...

SNARKSTER

Well, yeah, he lied to all those people, and they ate it all up. I mean-

WALUIGI

That all may be true, but if he inspired all those people, does it really matter? What action hurt the others more; the lies or the truth? (He pulls a rose out, seemingly from nowhere)

SNARKSTER

But you shouldn't lie to people to make them feel better!

WALUIGI

But you shouldn't tell the truth when it'll just hurt them. Then you just hurt yourself. Like when I told my mother to shave her mustache...She had King Dedede smack me with his uncomfortably Freudian mallet...that was before it was inflatable.

SNARKSTER

Thank you.

WALUIGI

What did I do?

SNARKSTER

(Obviously flustered) Nevermind! Now, help me clear out all these candles before the headmaster gets back. How did you get this office anyway?

WALUIGI

Let's just say, it was an inside job (he twiddles his mustache) It's forbidden love in a time of forbidden love. Waaaaaaaaaa.

(They clean for a bit)

SNARKSTER

Well, that's the last of the candles. I'll see you at seven for our prearranged "first date"?

WALUIGI

I shall wax my mustache in anticipation!

SNARKSTER

Your euphenisms grow more disgusting each day. (They both leave,with one candle still burning. SNARKSTER knocks it over and the room slowly begins to burn down. As the flames grow, the stage lights are red and yellow, and finally, black).

_Scene 4: Headmaster's Office, but now it is very badly burned. HEADMASTER scuffs in, and is immediately aghast at the state of things._

HEADMASTER

What ho? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO COULD HAVE DONE THIS? My room is all burned! My feathers are positively ruffled! This blatant disregard for my personal space simply won't ! (He carefully steps over the charred remains of his office to reach what used to be his desk.) Oh nooooooo! (He notices a charred picture.) The only picture I have of my two sons who died because they were Guardians of Ga'hoole! Damn my lack of foresight and other owly features!

(Starts singing to Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire".)

I LOST MY GREAT POSSESSIONS

AWESOME THINGS, MY MEMORIES

MY PRICELESS BOOKS, MY ART COLLECTION, AND MY COMFY PERCH

EVERYTHING WAS FLAMMABLE

MY OFFICE WAS CONSUMED BY SMOKE

EVERYTHING IS BURNT AND GONE, DAMN MY CARELESS PRIDE!

(CHORUS)

WHOOOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE

MY POSESSESSIONS WERE BURNING, BUT NOW I'M RETURNING

WHOOOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE?

I MUST FIND THEM POST HASTE AND PECK THEIR BRAINS OUT!

I WON'T TOLERATE SUCH THINGS

WANTON DESTRUCTION MUST STOP

THIS MALFEASANCE WILL BE PUNISHED, I PROMISE THAT!

WHOOOOOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE?

THE PERPETRATORS WILL SUFFER, I MAKE A SOLEMN VOW!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE?

I MUST FIND THEM POST HASTE AND END THEIR BEING

WHOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE?

WHAT WAS THEIR MOTIVATION TO COMMIT THIS ARSON?

WHOOOOOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE?

I MUST FIND THEM POST HASTE AND EXPEL THEM QUICKLY

WHOOOOOO STARTED THE FIRE?

LOOK AT ALL THE DAMAGE DONE TO MY PROPERTY HERE!

WHO STARTED THE FIRE?

THEY'VE MADE ME SO ANGRY, I'VE ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION!

(says)

Damn.

(HEADMASTER noses around in the mess, looking for evidence and perhaps a treat?) I don't see anything...where on earth could the truth lie? (He noses out a burnt piece of a glowing plastic star) What ho! Cosmic adventure afoot? Alas and lackaday, why on earth is it that I find a sole remnant of a glowing reminder of my existence upon this mortal coil? Ah, but why on earth would this come to me now? What the devil could it all mean? (He sniffs the star, almost sensually) This smells like gender confusion! (He delicately licks the star) How many licks will it take to get to the bottom of this mystery? The world may never wait, this tastes of low level film, made from silver nitrate? Alas, they must have been using a campus camera because we're too cheap to fund the film department! And yes, I believe I see a sequin glimmering its beady eye at me from the corner? College students...plastic stars...film? This can only mean one thing! A film of pornographic nature was being orchestrated within my very office! With a space theme! WILL THE DEPRAVITY NEVER CEASE? (He flutters angrily to what was once his perch, Oh Fortuna begins to play in the background) They shall rue the day they took my office and used it for immoral ends! Mark my words, I shall have justice! I shall have vengeance! I-(He yells out the window) I should request that you practice somewhere else, ominous Latin choir! (The music stops, a feeble sorry is heard from offstage) I shall expel whomever is responsible for this, and they will never. graduate. college!


	6. Frat Parties and Paint Thinner

_Scene 5: GUN and WALUIGI are sitting in their dorm room doing homework and other college related things. WALUIGI is writing a poem, mumbling to himself. GUN sighs even more than WALUIGI, his shoulders in a perpetual slump)_

WALUIGI

Gun, I cannot help but notice that you have been less than chipper over the last fortnight or so.

GUN

What you sayin' honky?

WALUIGI

What this honky is sayin' is that you need to get out. You've been devoted to your studies. Why not devote yourself to a different sort of study. Women's studies, as if it were.

GUN

I need to find me a broad?

WALUIGI

Well, not to put it too broadly (he attempts to wink. It hurts so bad). Ha, I made a pun!

GUN

Waluigi, maybe you're right. I gotta use my great sword to hack my way through the vagina jungles and away from the thought of Brian.

WALUIGI

Waaaaa! That's the spirit! I know of this great frat house we can go to, there are always sluts there! But you're new, and I'm a loser, so we'll need escorts. I'll get Wario and Toadette. (He jumps up and snaps his overalls.)

GUN

But...

WALUIGI

The only "but" you'll be talking about is the slut's! Waaaaaaa!

GUN

(aside) Well, maybe the honky's right. Maybe it's time for me to spread my wings and-

(WARIO enters wearing his most bizarre outfit yet, a wifebeater with a frilly pink miniskirt and his bedazzled hiking boots. His lipstick is smudged across his face, badly concealing his stubble)

WARIO

Fuck! I chipped my nails, big manly dorm mates!

(TOADETTE staggers in, clearly already drunk and rather vulgar. She clings to WARIO looking at him with unmistaken lust)

TOADETTE

Who cares about your damn nails? My nipples hurt.

WALUIGI

Oh hey guys! Gun, these are the two I was talking about! They're the coolest people on campus. And they're my college friends. Because I am in college. I was accepted here. To be educated at a collegiate level.

GUN

Waluigi... THESE are the ones you were talking about? The gender-confused one and the obviously butch lesbian? I dunno about this, Waluigi...

WARIO

Oh, don't worry, big sexy ambiguous guy! We're always the life of the party. We'll get you some tits in no time at all.

TOADETTE.

Yeah, tits.

WALUIGI

(He grins at GUN and flashes him a thumbs up) You see? They know all about tits. So you see, they will be invaluable in your quest to bang your way through the trying times and horrendous woes of your once-beautiful marriage breaking apart!

GUN

Fine... I'll get my gun ready... and also my firearm. (He winks at them. WARIO swoons.)

TOADETTE

Alright bitches, let's get the fuck out of this shit hole.

(They all leave, heads held high, and reach the frat house once again. MARIO, LUIGI, PEACH, and DAISY are, of course, getting drunk and stumbling about.)

GUN

So... this is it, huh? Smells like booze and low self-esteem in here.

WALUIGI

What you smell, dear Gun, is the sweet scent of sluts and slobbering drunks! Hey, let's go over there and drink copious amounts of alcohol for the purpose of becoming inebriated!

(The group moves to the table where MARIO and co. are attempting to stand.)

MARIO

Oh... look, Luigi, it's Waluigi... (Significantly louder) HEY WALUIGI, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

LUIGI

Yeah, your friend! (He hiccups)

GUN

The name's Gun. Gun G. Gun

PEACH

What does the G stand for?

GUN

GUN!

PEACH

Oh, I was hoping for Giant P-

WARIO

(Interrupting PEACH) Ok big sexy everyone! Let's see who can get the most inebriated without dying!

DAISY

Listen, you. Listen. Seriously. Listen. I. Wait... No, I forgot.

MARIO

I can do that. I can do that nine times, Wario! But... I have a special drink for Waluigi, since he's such a nice guy.

LUIGI

A truly beautiful soul, full of life and joy. T'would be a shame to lose one so vivacious and with such a lust for life!

WALUIGI

Wow, I never knew I was so cool and accepted by the popular frat boys! I must be super cool and great! What a fantastic college student I am! WALUIGI NUMBER ONE! (He grabs the bottle MARIO hands him)

GUN

NO, WAIT, HONKEY! THAT'S NOT ALCOHOL, IT'S PAI- (WALUIGI takes a large swig) -nt thinner...

(WALUIGI looks sick to his stomach)

WALUIGI

OH GAWD. I FEEL THIS BODY DYING ALL AROUND ME!

GUN

That's because you just drank paint thinner, you honkey ass jive turkey.

WALUIGI

The only thing that is really thinning is my heart. Alas and lackaday! How could you do this to me Mario?

MARIO

How could I do what?

WALUIGI

Paint thinner is not generally fit for human consumption! That is so cruel of you to treat me in this way!

MARIO

Well, it's like this Waluigi (He wraps his arm around WALUIGI) Bro, you are someone who... Have you ever had someone buy you a pack of Four Locos?

WALUIGI

No...I haven't had the pl-(he groans from pain) easure.

MARIO

Yeah. Exactly. And you never will. Because they are banned everywhere. The best for guys like you, Waluigi, is a half emptied bottle of 20 proof vodka and a cracked shotglass. You will never be invited to the frat parties, or drive sportscars, or crash your sport car and make your parents buy you a new one with a bitchin paint job as a present for not getting a 1.3 this midterm. You will never know the pleasure of getting a girl to show you her tits-

TOADETTE

Yeah! TITS!

MARIO

Simply because you flashed some plastic beads at her and told her that she wasn't fat. You'll never be in a threesome with a hot foreign exchange student and her host sister. I am someone who drinks from the cup of life, and the cup of life for me is Double D's Your cup of life is an A cup and has crippling self esteem issues and simply doesn't want to die alone. Do you understand now? (WALUIGI opens his mouth to say something, clearly about to cry)

GUN

I understand honky! (He punches MARIO in the face, causing him to fall to the ground)

MARIO

Bro, you punched me! No way!

GUN

YAWEH. (He turns to WALUIGI) come on honky, let's get you home. (He slings WALUIGI over his shoulder and begins to walk away).

PEACH

Oh hello! Let's say you drop the stiff. Don't worry though, I'll find you a new one (she grabs his crotch suggestively).

GUN

I don't think so.

PEACH

What? You don't like this? (She attempts to stand up straight, but is so staggeringly drunk, she falls over, splayed on the ground, legs spread, she continues) Look. I'm pretty! My hair is-is great, my face is...face, and my breasties are my besties! I'm sick and sexyfied!

GUN

I'm sorry, I don't like what you've got to offer. Besides, the torah says "Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty two of the youths." It's in second kings.

PEACH

Well, I could make you king for a day. With my pus-

GUN

Trust me babe, the only thing that you're making me is depressed. About yo' life and yo' choices. (He turns to leave, but MARIO, his nose still bleeding, runs after him attempting to tackle GUN. GUN flips him over, slamming him to the ground and knocking him unconscious.) Well, looks like someone bit off a bit more than he could Jew. (He walks out the door, GUN and WALUIGI are illuminated by a single spotlight as the rest of the stage fades to black, all the other partygoers frozen in their shocked positions).


End file.
